Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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