Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
