I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
