He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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