My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
