If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
