What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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