I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
