The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
