God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I skipped work to stalk him.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
