Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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