Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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