my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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