Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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