I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
