sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
