Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Im part way to drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
