you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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