do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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