just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
