You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
