I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
they're like a gay fantastic four
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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