I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
