why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
