The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
