Four minutes until I can fart!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
