Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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