god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
