It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
