I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
