Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
