Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize