Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
