I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
