I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
