there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
