it's too hot outside to masturbate.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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