I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
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