Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
