all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
