This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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