so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
