in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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