: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
