the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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