ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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