It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
