i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
