im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
