after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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