P.S. I can't hear my feet
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
