I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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